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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  May 27, 2016 1:34am-2:08am PDT

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super uncomfortable? watch that one with your parents. if you're already following me on twitter, please ignore what i'm about to say. follow me on twitter. keep up with our blog. not a true fan unless you read and comment on ten of our daily posts. and come see me do stand-up this summer on the june gloom tour with special guest jerrod carmichael. oh! finally found a picture, and of course it's a broken image link. i am so fake frustrated with this bit. and i just added a new date-- uh, greeley, colorado. for my fans who don't want to whitewater raft their way to denver. finally, i'm sure i don't have to tell you this, but friday is arbor day. - whoo. - yeah! [laughter] that means you still have a couple more days left to chop down the biggest hickory you can find and put it up in your living room. that is a very ironic tradition started by the pilgrims. all right, i'm not here to shove my environmentalist views down your throat, but i'm pretty sure these rational tree huggers will. - deep in the woods of north carolina,
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an extremist eco group called earth first! bewails the violation of american nature. - sure, it's easy to cry about majestic trees, but some of us happen to care about every living thing on god's beautiful green earth. i want to mourn the loss of all the old-growth grass i've seen and tell them that i love them and i don't want them to die, that there are some people here that do care! [lawn mower approaching] so i want you to know that, clippings! that i care!
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jorge, make sure you square off my hedges! - si, mr. daniel. - all right. may flights of angels sing thee to thy rest. good night. [applause] >> trevor: from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah! thank you so much, everybody! thank you so much! our guest tonight, hilary, trump and the impending doom of america. chief white house correspondent from politico, mike allen is joining us, everybody! (cheers and applause) but first, we turn our gaze to the east.
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>> president obama arriving in vietnam today, the first leg of his week' long trip to a.i.g. >> president obama had dinner with anthony bourdain, dined on pork and rice noodles. the meal cost 6 bucks and bourdain picked up the check. >> trevor: i feel that's a little passive aggressive anthony bourdain. of course you pick up the check when you're eating with the president because there's no way obama carries cash. yeah, he doesn't even need to carry house keys. all he needs to carry are the nuclear codes and notes joe biden passes him in the situation room. that's pretty much the only thing he has in there. and by the way, bore dab paid $6 for the meal with the president which comes out to, in vietnam, 134000 dong. i know some of you will be childish. but be mature.
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also normal because they work with the dong. the currency is the dong. fistfuls of dong in -- guys, please, you go to mcdonald's and order off the dong menu. that's how it works. at subway they order the 5-dong foot long. this is just a thing. you can get razors from the dong shave club. a very different world. (laughter) now, luckily for the world, obama's way more mature than we are on the show and while in vietnam, he's been handling actual business. >> during an historic visit to hanoi, president obama lifted the arms embargo on vietnam calling it a vestige of the cold war. >> the vietnamese are eager to build ties with cold war era foe in large part because of the threat posed by militarily aggressive china which is seizing territory in both the east and south china seas. >> trevor: there is a big deal, obama selling arms to vietnam and only doing it because china is seizing territory in the south china sea. i love how passive aggressive
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world leaders are. they're never just, like, yo, china, cut it out! instead, obama is, like, vietnam, i have 34eus also -- china, are you watching? china! just wait. vietnam, i have some -- china, china! vietnam, i have some -- china! yeah, watch, some missiles for you! some missiles! (laughter) you know, politics aside, people, you have to admit barack obama is the coolest president ever. he really is. he plays basketball, he tells jokes. (cheers and applause) you know, he smokes. it's like as if the president were black. just something special. now he's leaving and looks like choosing his replacement is a lot harder than anyone expected because 2016 was hillary's presidency to lose. looks like that's exactly what she's doing. >> for the first time ever it is close.
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43.3% to 43.2 -- >> the only time anyone should be strug thing between hillary clinton and donald trump is if they're picking a halloween costume, people! how are you stuck with two people? we have 17 different kinds of corn flakes. six kardashians, you only need one, and two presidential candidates! i don't understand! hillary clinton was one of the most popular public officials in the country and she's losing to an overcooked street potato! how the hell does this happen? it doesn't help that every few months we hear -- >> u.s. state department inspector general reported hillary clinton did not follow department guidelines which used a personal email account and private email server as secretary of state. >> she violated the federal records act by not turning over
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all official e-mails before she left office. >> when two i.t. staffers voiced kerns about her email practices and security, they were told "never to speak of the secretary's personal email system again." >> trevor: why, hillary! why?! so basically hillary had a personal email server against the rules, lied about being allowed to use it, and then when someone brought it up, they were told to never speak of it again. soundsless like a bureaucratic coverup and more like a game of thrones. is it true the queen has been using a private server? never speak of the queen's personal email system again. of course, my lord. and pray you tell, what is email? i don't know. we're deviating from the book now. we're deviating. things are changing. (applause) the i.g. reports on hillary's email is complicated, 83 pages
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of what policy rules were violated, what e-mails got stolen, did they get stolen, were they deleted? and thankfully one expert summarized everything for us. >> she's as crooked as they come. she had a little bad news today, as you know, some reports came down, weren't so good, but not so good. the inspector general's report -- not good! (laughter) >> trevor: hey, donald, you can use full sentences, you know. it's a speech, not twitter. you know the one nice thing about donald trump is that when trump takes the country back to the stone age he's going to be able to effectively communicate. union, stay strong! strong! stay, union, strong, mmm! (applause) it's so insane right now.
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hillary's image has gotten so bad that now voters can't even think of nice things to say about her. >> i want a word or phrase to describe hillary clinton. >> corrupt. >> liar. >> deceiver. >> opportunist. >> she just -- you can turn off the sound and still see on her face that she was lying. she's the worst liar i've ever seen in my life. >> she lied about lying. >> how many of you have a positive impression of hillary clinton? raise your hands. none of you. >> trevor: damn! is it really that bad, people in right now people are looking at presidential candidates the same way they look at public bathrooms. no, no, not that one. i guess, but no hands. ahhh! you know, this phase of the campaign makes you wonder if there is anything hillary can do to get people to like her again. for more on this, seen your clinton campaign analyst michelle wolf, everybody! (cheers and applause) michele, obviously, this is not
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great news for hillary clinton. i mean, what should she do about the latest controversy? >> michelle: listen, hillary, the jig is up -- no one likes you. but you can make that work! you have to embrace your unlikability. holder it closer than alicia keys. she needs to be on a leash. but you're not running to be everybody's friend. you're running to be the boss and no one leaks their boss. >> trevor: some people like their bosses. >> no. (laughter) no one likes their boss. not even at all. not even a teeny tiny bit. my boss speaks weird. he says things like con-tra-versy. it's controversy. you sound like you're narrating an old children's school book.
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(laughter) and how many dimples do you need? >> trevor: i only have two dimples and they're not my fault. >> yes, they are! you need to strengthen your cheek muscles! (laughter) it's a deformity. >> trevor: let's move on. what about hillary? >> hillary just needs to be herself. remember this picture? that's who we need to run the world! a no-nonsense, indoor sun glasswaring box lady who eats enemies and (bleep) policy! (cheers and applause) now, people always complain hillary doesn't seem like a candidate that you could get a beer with. maybe she doesn't want to get a beer with you! whatever weird spritzer she drinks. if you saw a woman alone wearing sunglasses like hillary clinton wears, you would say, oh, she looks like a terminator! i'll leave that one alone!
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that's what america needs in a bar. you don't need to be liked to be effective. look at bill belichick. >> trevor: the patriots coach. >> yes, the real football. (laughter) he has one super bowl ring and did it without a kind or honest bone in his body. i'm not even sure he has bones. he looks like a -- he's mean, underhanded, looks like he fishes his shirt out of a swamp behind good will but he wins! that's your role model, hillary! be the belichick this country needs. >> trevor: don't americans deserve a leader they like? >> no, they're awkward, you don't want to see with them but they get the job done. what is con-tra-versy about? e-mails, server. we walk around like we know what a server is. yeah, i could point it out in this room. the only question about the
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e-mails is did they get where they're supposed to go? yes? well, shut the (bleep) up. (cheers and applause) oh, no! she has a shrill voice! it hurts my manhood! look, take it from someone else who has a shrill voice, maybe it's not her problem, maybe you just need to fix your bitch-ass ears! (cheers and applause) >> trevor: i would like to say for the record i think you have a lovely voice. >> no you don't, you lady-faced liar! (laughter) i hate my boss. the point is no one likes their boss, hillary we, need you to be our boss. we don't want you to be but we need you to be because if you aren't, in a couple of years, we will be eating grilled squirrel from a hole in the ground with our children asking, but why do we have to live like this, moumy? and we'll have to respond, we didn't vote for the smart ladies because of e-mails she sent from a different server. and the child will say, what's a
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server? and we'll say, i don't know, i never (bleep) knew, so shut up and eat your squirrel before king trump comes back, trevor! king trump comes back, trevor! >> trevor: wow hey there, can i help you with anything? hey siri, what's at&t's latest offer? oh, i don't think that siri can... right now, switch to at&t for an iphone and get one free. wow, is that right? yeah, it's basically... yes. that is the current offer from at&t. okay siri, you don't know everything. well, i know you asked me to call you the at&t hostess with the mostest. okay, shut her down. turn it off. right now, buy an iphone and get another one free when you add a second line.
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(cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." thank you. thank you so much. now, we were just talking earlier about those polls showing that hillary clinton is the second most unlikable major candidate ever to run for president. now let's talk about the first. while donald trump is widely disliked, he is especially disliked by women, as trump is well aware. >> i keep hearing about this woman thing. i think i'm doing well with women, but what do i know? they say i'm setting records with men. ah, that's so up exciting to me! i want to set records with women, not with men! to hell with the men! right? to hell with the men!
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i want to set records with women! i wan>> trevor: i want to set records with women! sounds like trump is getting speech ideas from a pervert's tinder profile. (laughter) he's focusing on the small percentage of women who do like him. >> when i got here, there was a group of a couple hundred women, great women, bring some of them up. where are they? come on up here. these people, look at them. they're women that love trump. i'm telling you, women do like me. i'm telling you. >> thank you god for sending us donald j. trump to be our next president of the united states of america! >> trevor: i bet you god is like, i'm sorry, what? no, that wasn't me. no, no, sorry. you must be thinking of somebody else. i was busy handling an earthquake somewhere. that was not me. i don't know if that's the thing you want to say.
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i don't know if god sends us donald trump. wouldn't surprise me. god as sent us a lot of things -- mosquitoes, the plague, that mother's day movie. (laughter) there is a reason why the majority of women are not trump fans. for example -- >> trump going personal, opting to make fun of clinton's voice. >> and i will never say this, but she screams, it drives me crazy. i didn't say it. i can't listen. >> trevor: ah -- we shouldn't be quick to judge, donald trump. remember, he is sensitive to reason and fact and that's why it hurts him and it's hard for him to fully cover his ears with those tiny hands of his! (laughter) this is mott the first time a woman shouting causes trump distress as we discovered in the trump archives. >> i could do this all day. >> i don't want to be involved in politics beyond -- >> i believe in trashing your
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enemy. look in that fat ugly face of hers and say, rosy, you're fired. >> trevor: welcome to the back to the chronicles of narcissism in which we unearth observe secure moments deep in trump's past. these clips aren't online so nobody has seen them since they aired in 1994. they're from primetime live, an interview in which trump explains to journalist nancy collins why he's uncomfortable with his then wife marla maples working. >> you have said you don't want marla to work. >> no. >> you actually said it on the day of the wedding. >> i think i'm probably mixed. i have days when i think it's great. then i have days where if i come home and, you know, i don't want to sound too much like a chauvinist, but when i come home and dinner is not ready, i go through the roof, okay. (audience reacts) >> trevor: you don't want to sound too much like a chauvinist? well, you didn't try very hard not to. that's like saying i don't want to sound too much like a racist, but get off my lawn (bleep)! but i guess that's what we've learned today, people, how donald trump sees relationships
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with women. he works, the woman cooks. after a few years, he trades her in for a newer model and i literally mean a newer model. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) this is smith & forge.
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(pilot talking to tower on radio) once you get out here... there's just one direction... forward. one time: now. and there's just one sound. you and us... together. telling the world... we're coming for you. what are you doing? sara, i love you, and... [phone rings] ah, it's my brother. keep going... sara, will you marry... [phone rings again] what do you want, todd???? [crowd cheering] keep it going!!!! if you sit on your phone, you butt-dial people.
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in one of our volcanoes, to see some lava you're probably gonna be disappointed. ♪ >> trevor: welcome back! my guest tonight is the chief white house correspondent for politico, please welcome mike allen!
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(cheers and applause) mr. allen, thank you so much for being here. a treat to be here. >> trevor: what an exciting time to be alive. what an exciting time to be in the world of politics. you must be salivating now. >> not to put pressure on the voters but someone was telling me the other day, hillary clinton would be the first woman president, marco rubio would have been the first cuban president, trump would be the last president. (laughter) >> trevor: you have been on the internet too much, my friend. let's talk about this situation. let's start off with trump. so they say now he's no longer presumptive as a nominee, he's just the nominee. is this true? >> we've reached trump today, two delegates to spare. it's official. >> trevor: they can change the rules, right? >> but there is no push to it. there is no reason to do that now. for months and months we have been saying, oh, what's going to happen behind the scenes in
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cleveland, but overwhelmingly republican voters and people who are going to be at the convention say trump and, so, people have been fighting it too little too late. they're going to have to go to cleveland, and the people who are never trump, in washington it's amazing how fast they're becoming ever trump. paul ryan said he was not quite ready to endorse trump. he says he's not there yet. so this expression "getting there" in washington, everybody in washington is talking about how they're going to "get there," and what we have been hearing is his children are so nice so there must be something good about him. >> trevor: a lot of people say, but donald trump has amazing children, so he must be a really -- how has that become a measure for president? how low have we gotten when people go, what about their kids? what about their dogs? you have to admit, really nice dogs, this person could be a good president. have you ever seen anything where the people didn't look at the candidate but their family?
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>> and they're looking at their jobs. saying what if he does become president? i want to be connected. it's amazing how fast people have come behind him. >> trevor: there is dray pa on the opposite side, though, bernie sanders, hillary clinton. if hillary is facing high levels of unfavorability, bernie fans are saying what about our dude? is this not a time to consider the person because he's still in the race. so if you're a bernie fan and mike allen is an expert in politics as a white house correspondent, what are you saying to those people? is bernie still a viable candidate? >> he's not going to be the nominee, but you have democrats of all kinds looking at what happened in the last 24 hours and saying hillary clinton has done herself no favors with how she's responded to the email report. like this legalistic response in a statement and today she did a
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trump' style phoneathon where she phoned in to a lot of stations and is saying no evidence, no precedent, it was allowed, it was consistent, it was known. no, no, no, no, no. none of those things are right and those answers are why people don't like her. >> trevor: so when we go to the democratic convention, there is no chance where you see people switching over? there is no shift where the democratic party says maybe we need to go with a candidate who is more likable than trump? >> too late for that. the time is past. donald trump was fantasizing about the idea of running against bernie sanders. people who don't have a trump nickname get a little ge jealou. he was talking about crazy bernie. >> trevor: donald trump says he will debate bernie sanders before the people in california vote. is this a thing that makes any
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sense? >> sure, it does for trump and bernie and it does if you own a television. like, this could be one of the best debates in the history of television because bernie wants to keep it going. >> trevor: yes. >> he wants it to last as long as possible. somebody was telling me bernie is the guy who you say, you know, party is over, you're cut off, i'll call you an uber and you can go home, and bernie says, no, i'll just crash on the couch. he won't leave. (laughter) trump, this elevates him, but trump the clever. he's very opportunistic. he sees he's going to be able to bait bernie into saying all kinds of things on tape that he can then use in ads -- >> trevor: against hillary. >> sure! >> trevor: wow, this is exciting. i will say this about people who crash on the couch, they always make the night a lot more fun. thank you very much for being here! (cheers and applause) we'll be right back! >> thank you so much. ♪show me what you got
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